


Support Group

by Vikingfangirl23



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Brothers, Chaptered, Countries Using Human Names, Crimes & Criminals, Depression, Domestic Violence, Friendship, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Relationship(s), Running Away, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Support Group, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-10 18:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5595646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vikingfangirl23/pseuds/Vikingfangirl23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tino decided to start an anonymous support group, he had no idea that the people he would try to help would become his lifelong friends.<br/>Updates every Thursday with occasional extra chapters in between. Human names used (except for Denmark, idk why).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue/Meeting 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a bit of an experiment. I mostly wrote it to entertain two of my friends last February, and I'm just now coming back to it. It reads a bit like the script for a TV show, and does very little other than kick you in the feels over and over. The whole thing was written with Missy Higgins playing at top volume, so keep an eye open for her themes and lyrics woven into my writing.  
> Trigger warnings for thoughts of suicide and negative self-talk.  
> Lovino - South Italy  
> Feliciano - North Italy  
> Gilbert - Prussia  
> Denmark - Denmark  
> Tino - Finland  
> Antonio - Spain  
> Yao - China  
> Francis - France  
> Matthew - Canada  
> Lukas - Norway  
> Jeanne - Joan of Arc (or Jeanne d'Arc)  
> For Malika and Maryam, who read this first.

**Prologue**

At the kitchen table, Lovino was writing a note. Feliciano and Antonio would find it, and he hoped that they wouldn’t blame themselves. This was all his fault, just like everything else. He wanted his death to hurt them as little as possible.

Lovino had no idea that Antonio was sitting in the bathroom of Casa Vargas crying and trying to escape from his mind. It was so dark and lonely, and so far away that not even Lovino had ever seen what was really going on in there.

Lukas sat on his bathroom floor, carefully pressing his blade into his flesh. He tried not to cry out, tried not to wake Emil. This was the last thing his little brother needed in his life.

Yao was hiding in a dark closet, behind rows of clothes. In the other room, he could hear Ivan banging around and yelling. Suddenly, everything went silent. Yao peeked out, hoping the episode was over. Before he could see what was going on, the clothes were pushed aside and a fist buried itself in his stomach.

Francis walked into his house and burst into tears. She was everywhere: her hat still sat by the door, a picture she had painted hung in the hall, her favorite music was all over the radio...There was nowhere Jeanne hadn’t touched.

Matthew put down his suitcase, staring up at the apartment building where his half-brother lived. This would be home, at least for a little while. At least until he could figure out what he was doing with his life, how to escape from his past and do something worth doing. Until he could forgive himself for the crimes no one else knew he’d committed.

Gilbert and Denmark were robbing a convenience store, having a great time. They’d done this before, and they were sure that they wouldn’t get caught. Then the police car, lights flashing, pulled up to the curb.

“I should start a Support Group,” Tino mentioned to Berwald over dinner. “An anonymous one, so that anyone could come. I bet the community center could spare a room for a few minutes once a week...”

 

**Meeting 1**

The car pulled up slowly. Antonio didn’t cut the engine, but neither of them got out. “You okay, Lovi?” he asked. All he got in response was a death glare and slammed door. He sighed, and watched to make sure his boyfriend made it into the community center. When he was out of sight, Antonio drove away.

\---------------------

“Alright, everyone,” the group leader said, pulling his chair closer to the others. “Let’s start with names. You can use whatever name you want, as long as it’s appropriate. This is an anonymous group, so no one should feel pressured to use one name or another.”

There was an awkward silence. Lovino surveyed his surroundings lazily: a small room filled with chairs, probably used for a million different things. There was a little row of windows along one side which let in a pitifully small amount of light. The other five guys were probably just like him: washed up losers, nothing to get excited about. He started a game of Angry Birds on his phone.

“So, who’d like to start?” the group leader pushed.

More silence.

“Okay, I’ll go. We can rotate around the circle from here. I’m Tino.” 

Lovino looked up from his phone. Tino was staring expectantly at him. “What?”

“Your name?”

“Oh. Lovino.” He buried himself back in the videogame as soon as the spotlight was off of him.

“Francis.”

“The awesome Gilbert.”

“ Matthew. ”

“Denmark!”

“Your future murderer.”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate for Group.” Tino said.

“It becomes more appropriate with every passing second.” the man answered.

Tino raised an eyebrow.

The man raised an eyebrow.

Tino crossed his arms.

The man crossed his arms.

“Are you really going to play this game?” Tino finally said, ending the face off.

“Lukas.” the man said, now with a name. “And don’t you dare forget it.”

“He’s friendly,” Gilbert muttered sarcastically to Denmark, who snickered.  Lukas didn’t look at them. He knew that if he did he might...he might...Stop. He had to stop thinking about that. He grabbed his wrist and twisted viciously. He wouldn’t think of that. He would  _ not _ think of that.

“Do you have something you’d like to tell the Group?” Tino asked them. Across the circle, the man who had introduced himself as Francis started to cry softly. They guy next to him, whose name Lovino had already forgotten, shot him a concerned look.  _ See, everyone cares about him. Everyone likes him already. No one would help if Lovino started crying. No one cares if you exist, you stupid ugly incompetent depressed messed-up useless- _ On his phone, Lovino failed a level, jerking him out of his daze.

“No.” Gilbert said, looking down.

“Well, why are you here?” Tino pushed.

“‘Cuz I stole some stuff, I guess. Denmark, too. We were a team, and got out on the same day a month ago. Figured it’d be pretty awesome to come here, just for fun.” he said, fidgeting with a stuffed animal. It was tiny and fluffy...a chick?

“Denmark, do you have anything to add?” Tino asked.

“Nope. Just that we’d make a pretty great outlaw gang!”

“Oh, yeah! That would be so awesome! We could rob-” 

“Gilbert, you are here to  _ stop _ breaking the law, not to make more plans.” Tino chastised him, trying to keep the two rebels on topic.

“Actually, as I just explained, we’re here to have fun, hanging out together and meeting new people.” Gilbert said. Lovino started a new game of Angry Birds.

“You don’t have any intention of moving up in the world, finding something you love?” Tino persuaded, getting really into it. Lovino hated it when people thought that their measly strings of words held the answers to the universe. Francis let out a particularly loud sob.

“I love murdering people,” Lukas said quietly.

“But is that something you really want to-” Tino started, but was cut off by the arrival of a young man with a ponytail, panting and wide-eyed. “Hello. Are you here for the anonymous support group?” The man nodded, looking for all the world like he’d just been running for his life from an axe murderer. He pulled up a chair and sat down in the circle, eyes darting around nervously.

“What’s you name?” Tino asked with a reassuring smile.

“Y-Yao.” he stuttered, gripping the edges of his chair. Lovino pocketed his phone. This was getting mildly interesting.

“Why have you decided to come to Group?” Tino said, still with that smile.

“I...I...” Yao said, looking for a way out of answering the question. Luckily for him, Francis chose that moment to sob dramatically.

“Jeanne!” he cried, clasping a hand to his heart. “The love of my life, no, of my world, has been cruelly taken from me!” Francis paused, posing as though he expected applause. He was met with silence. “Death!  _ La mort le mal et horrible _ has taken my Jeanne from me!” After that, the theatrics fell away with every word. “We were meant to be! Like you find someone and you just  _ fit _ with them, you know? And once they’re gone half of you is gone too and everything,  _ everything _ reminds you and you just can’t move on...” he trailed off, in tears.

Lukas sighed. “I do wish the people I’ve killed had been more like this. The blubbering is the best part.”  The lie hit him like a bullet, physically hurting. He couldn’t stop making those stupid comments, could he? Every word hurt, but he couldn’t stop. Couldn’t stop bringing it up, couldn’t stop thinking about it...

“Lukas! That was an incredibly insensitive thing to say!” Tino said, patting Francis on the back. “There, there. Everyone takes time to grieve.”

“Would anyone else like to speak?” Tino asked, brightening up at the prospect of more comforting words of wisdom he could offer. That guy next to Francis - what was his name? - he raised his hand, but Tino didn’t seemed to notice. Instead, he seized on Denmark.

“You said that you enjoy crime. Why do you think that is?” Tino asked, as though it was a reading group discussion question in a Middle School English class.

Denmark shrugged, “What’s fun is fun.”

“And fun is awesome!” Gilbert added, grinning idiotically.

“I have to go,” Yao said, standing suddenly. Tino checked his watch, eyebrows raising in surprise.

“Oh, dear. Actually, all of you have to go. My, how time flies! See you next week!” Tino announced as the others grabbed their bags and stood. Yao was the first person out the door, disappearing down the hall of the community center.

“Oh, and Lovino?” Tino called as the Italian reached the door. He stopped in his tracks, instantly alert.  _ Had he said something wrong? Had he offended Tino? Had he just not been good enough? Who was he kidding, he was never good enough... _

“I promise we’ll get to you next time,” Tino said, like that was a good thing.

“Can’t fucking wait,” Lovino said, and left as fast as he could.

The hallway was filled with people who had come to pick up their loved ones from Group. Lovino noticed Francis leaving alone, and Yao was long gone. Lukas was harshly dragging a boy a few years younger than him out the door, and that other guy (Martin? Matt?) was talking to a blond guy with glasses and a leather bomber jacket.

“Ve~ Lovi!” Feliciano bounced over to his brother. “I’m so glad to see you! Do you know that man’s name?” He giggled. “He’s so hot!” Lovino looked where his brother was pointing: right at one of Gilbert and Denmark’s friends. He could hear Denmark from across the hall.

“I took my country’s name as a sign of loyalty! I am not just  _ from _ Denmark, I  _ am _ Denmark! And if they won’t let me apply for a job under that name, well, screw ‘em!” 

“Yeah, not him. Wrong crowd, Feli. Let’s go.” Lovino said, heading for the exit.

“Don’t you want to meet them?” the smaller brother asked.

“No.” Lovino said.  _ I don’t want to meet them or anybody else ever again because they all hate me and I’m so pathetic I couldn’t even kill myself right. _

_ Maybe I should try again. _


	2. Meeting 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a filler chapter, but things will pick up soon. In the meantime, you get more information about Lukas, Antonio, and Yao. Thank you so much for all of your support! :)
> 
> Lovino - South Italy  
> Feliciano - North Italy  
> Gilbert - Prussia  
> Denmark - Denmark  
> Tino - Finland  
> Antonio - Spain  
> Yao - China  
> Francis - France  
> Matthew - Canada  
> Lukas - Norway  
> Jeanne - Joan of Arc (or Jeanne d'Arc)  
> Trigger warnings for negative self-talk.

Tino, Francis, Lukas, and That Other Guy (Lovino had given up on trying to remember his name) were already seated in the circle when he arrived with his bag. As soon as Lovino was comfortable and playing Angry Birds, Gilbert and Denmark charged in, laughing hysterically.

“His face, though...”

“That was awesome.” Gilbert gasped.

Tino raised an eyebrow, just like he had when Lukas was acting up. “That’s enough, guys. How are you all doing today?”

That awkward silence from last week persisted. Not even Denmark or Gilbert bothered to answer.

“Alright, then.” Tino said, scanning the group for someone to engage in conversation. “Lovino! Why are you here in Support Group?”

“None of your fucking business.” he muttered.

“Actually, it is my business. It’s my job to listen to you and to help you.” Tino looked right at Lovino. “I want to help you.”

No you don’t. Like you said, it’s just your job. You probably wish you were at home right now, doing anything but pretending to care about me. You think I’m just an idiotic, friendless, futureless, hopeless kid and you are so right that it hurts.

“Lovino?” Tino asked, looking at him with concern.

“What? I spaced out.” Lovino pulled himself back to attention. Loser freak spaceshot why can’t you just fucking listen to him? Why can’t you fucking concentrate for five sec-

“I asked if someone made you come here. It doesn’t seem like it was your decision.” Tino smiled, almost as if he understood. 

“Yeah.” Lovino said before he could stop himself. “My brother and boyfriend. They’re worried about me.” Why did you tell him that? Why did you say anything? Now he has to pretend he cares about your fucked up life story and the fucked up way it was supposed to end.

“Why are they worried?” Tino persisted. The room was silent. Don’ttelldon’ttelldon’ttelldon’ttelldon’ttelldon’ttell he doesn’t care. I DON’T CARE! Lovino yelled at the voices. I don’t care what you say! I want to tell!

“I tried to kill myself,” It was out before he knew it. Why did you fucking tell them now they know just how awful and fucked up and terrible and desperate you are and they hate you hateyouhateyouhateyouhateyou...

“Why?”

Lovino retreated. He’d gone too far, he’d said too much. “None of your fucking business, no matter what your job is.” he grumbled, burying everything in another game of Angry Birds. The conversation turned to Francis. Lovino pretended not to be, but he was listening. Maye they all were.

“It’s been six months. Six months and I still see her everywhere...” Francis managed, blowing his nose on a tissue That Other Guy had given him. “What if...what if it never stops? Sometimes I wish she were more gone, like dying again or something, just so I wouldn’t have to hear her voice...”

“Sometimes I wish you were gone, just so I wouldn’t have to hear your voice.” Lukas said. 

“Lukas! That was very disrespectful and could have severely hurt a member of our Group in need of comfort.” Tino admonished him. He rolled his eyes and went back to his usual silence. “Why don’t you share your struggles with the Group?”

Lukas stared.

Tino stared back.

Lukas raised an eyebrow.

Tino raised an eyebrow.

Lukas crossed his arms.

Tino crossed his arms.

“Are you really going to play this game?” Lukas asked.

“I’m here to listen,” Tino said. “And don’t you dare forget it.”

Lukas uncrossed his arms and shrugged, gracious in defeat. “A kid bullied me one too many times. I put him in the hospital and loved every second. Now everyone thinks I’m dangerous.” And I am. I am, I am, and I can’t escape from that moment, that one little moment that changed everything.

“Are you?” Denmark asked. 

“Depends on whether or not you piss me off,” Lukas shot back, not giving away any of what he had been thinking. The two held eye contact for just a second too long.

“So, Yao. We’ve heard very little from you. Would you like speak?” Tino said, steering the conversation away from Lukas and Denmark.

“Um...I n-need...I’m sorry. I need to go.” Yao muttered, and was gone before anyone could stop him.

“I would like to speak.” said Matthew.

“Well, we’ve only got a few more minutes. Gilbert, like to say anything?” Tino said, exhausted by fighting the Group, trying to get them to talk.

“I said, I’d like to speak.” Matthew said.

“No, thanks. I’m feeling pretty unawesome.” Gilbert said, as if Matthew hadn’t spoken.

“Alright, then. This was a great session, guys! See you next week!” Tino said as the group filed out the door.

In the hall, Feliciano was nowhere to be seen. Lovino leaned against the wall to check his phone, and found a text that Antonio was picking him up instead.

“Excuse me. Um, is your brother here?” Lovino looked up at the deep voice. It was the blond guy Feliciano had had his eye on. Behind him, Gilbert was watching and snickering something to Denmark.  


“No, he’s babysitting. Why?” Lovino asked sharply.

“Um...”

“Stay away from my little brother, perv.” he said, and stalked out to parking lot to wait. Antonio’s car was there, and Lovino could see a person in it. As he walked closer, he could see the person was crying. Was that really Antonio crying?

“WHAT WERE YOU DOING HERE?” A voice exploded from around the side of the community center. Lovino, curious, followed the sound to find a tall, blond man with violet eyes towering over Yao, yelling at him.

“I-I didn’t...please, Ivan, don’t...” Yao stammered, terrified as ever.

“Hey, Lovi!” Lovino spun around at the sound of his name, away from the strange man. It was Antonio, smiling as ever. “How was Group?”

“Fucking terrible,” Lovino grumbled, and tried to ignore the tissues half-hidden under Antonio’s seat on the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments/kudos if you enjoyed this.


	3. Meeting 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this is late! It's a short chapter, but there will be an extra update on Sunday.

“So, guys, today we’re going to work on finding the source of your struggles so that we can move towards finding solutions.” Tino said happily. Lovino sighed and clicked on the Angry Birds app, tucking his backpack under his chair. He could feel that this was going to be a long and boring meeting. “Gilbert? Would you like to start?”

Gilbert scratched the back of his neck. “Well, I think I don’t really have any ‘struggles.’” 

“I object to every part of that sentence starting with ‘I think,’” Lukas said, raising his hand.

“And we don’t need to hear it. Gilbert, what makes you think that? It seemed like you had a pretty long stint in jail,” Tino frowned. 

Gilbert shrugged, carefree. Francis, on the other hand, started sobbing. That Other Guy handed him a tissue, then raised his hand to speak, but Gilbert kept talking. “Yeah, I got into trouble. Yeah, I might get into more trouble. What else is there to say?”

“Same here,” Denmark said. 

“Alright, alright, I’ll let it go, but just for today.” Tino scanned the circle, looking for someone to torture - I mean help - next. Lovino shrank down in his seat, concentrating on the game and avoiding eye contact. That Other Guy’s hand was still raised. “Lukas!” Lovino sighed in relief.

“It is not my fault that all of humanity is idiotic, annoying, and determined to get in my way.” Lukas said.

“Francis? Lovino? Do any of you have any intention of rebuilding your lives and rejoining society and making yourself a place in the world?” Tino was getting worked up again. These lectures on grand-sounding things that didn’t actually have any meaning could go on for hours. “We made huge progress last time!”

Silence greeted his speech. It was broken only by Francis’s sniffles. Lovino started a new game of Angry Birds. That Other Guy started waving his hand around a little. Tino didn’t notice. Suddenly, the silence splintered and Yao rushed in with a black eye, tears on his face, and ponytail half undone. 

Chaos exploded in the small room. Tino was on his feet, comforting Yao, Francis was crying again, Denmark and Gilbert were rushing towards the newcomer, and all Lovino could think was how no one could see him. No one cared about him. He might as well just curl up and die because he’d never be anyone or anything other than this disturbingly horrible messed-up-

“Lovino!” Tino’s voice cut through his daze. “Do you have anything useful in that backpack?” Lovino started pawing through his bag. Feliciano had given him some stupid portable first-aid kit once, right? There it was! He pulled it out hurried to put an instant ice pack on Yao’s eye. As soon as Yao was seated and his tears wiped away, he started to tell his story.

“My boyfriend - Ivan - he was…I...We met at college and started dating. He was always depressed or unhappy somehow under the guy everyone thought he was, and I knew that, I always knew, but I never imagined how bad it was. Even after we moved in together, I never knew...” Yao started to cry again, and the Group sat in silence and waited. This was the kind of story nobody dared to rush.

“He started hurting me. He’d fly into these rages and just...” he broke off again. “And then the next day he’d help me and be Ivan again, the man I fell in love with and everything would be so perfect that I tried to forget. And then it happened again...and again. So I came here.”

Yao looked up hopefully, desperate to know he’d done something right. “An anonymous group so Ivan wouldn’t know, but maybe I could find some help for myself, and for him. We need it. Please, Tino, I can’t go back home. We need help...”

“Yes. It’ll be okay, Yao. You did the right thing. You can come home with me and stay with us for as long as you need to, and I’ll send the police to your house. They can take Ivan to a place where he can get help. And all of you,” Tino stood to address the entire Group. “Come right back here tomorrow, same time, same place, for an emergency meeting. Meeting adjourned.”

Lovino left Yao with the ice pack and took his backpack. As he walked out behind That Other Guy, he turned and saw Tino sitting with Yao, gently getting an address and more information out of him. Maybe there was more to him than his high and mighty speeches about turning your life around. Maybe there was more to turning your life around than high and mighty speeches.

It took Lovino a minute to find Feliciano in the hallway. He was off in the corner, talking to someone with his back to Lovino. He drew closer, and the man turned around to face him. It was Gilbert’s friend.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing with my brother?” Lovino demanded, pulling Feliciano closer. 

“We were just talking,” the man said.

“Sure you were, bastard. Let’s go, Feli.” Lovino grabbed his brother and left as fast as he could. 

“Lovino, what was that about? His name is Ludwig and he’s really very nice. He eats potatoes and has three dogs and...” Feliciano babbled. 

“I don’t care. Oh, and there’s an emergency meeting tomorrow at the same time.” Lovino answered, slamming the car door.

“But Days of Our Lives is on tomorrow! You love Days of Our Lives, and last I checked, you hate support group.” Feliciano was starting to smile, Ludwig forgotten.

“Don’t push it, idiota. I’m doing this for Yao.” he muttered, but smiled as soon as Feliciano’s back was turned. He could deny it all he wanted, but there was no way Lovino could hate support group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments/kudos if you enjoyed this.


	4. Meeting 3.5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm so sorry for another late chapter. This was supposed to go up Sunday, but I'm posting it now followed by the usual Thursday update.

“As you all know, we are here for Yao today.” Tino said. Everyone had showed up, and now they sat silently, listening. Francis wasn’t crying. Lovino’s phone was tucked away. They all knew that this mattered. “He will be returning home today, but Ivan is at a mental health hospital where he will be given medication, therapy, and an environment where he and Yao can figure out what to do next. Is there anything anyone would like to say?”

“Can I speak?” That Other Guy asked tentatively. It was hard to hear him, hard to focus on his face. He had tried to talk before, but this time, for whatever reason, the Group heard.

“Sure. Um, what was your name again?” Tino said.

“I’m Matthew,” he said. “I...I don’t talk much, and I know that. When I do you don’t always hear me. But I don’t want you to know me as the guy who never talks, and I don’t want to know you all as the guys who were in jail, the guy who tried to kill himself, the guy who cries a lot, the guy who threatens to kill people, and the guy who was abused. I want you to know me as the guy who loves pancakes and hockey and has a stuffed polar bear that he loves more than anything. So...that’s all.”

His words were met with more silence, but not the awkward type. The Group just sat and thought for a minute. Lukas didn’t have a witty line, Francis didn’t start crying.

“I’m Lovino,” he spoke up. “I work at my Grandpa’s restaurant, Casa Vargas. I love tomatoes. I have a little brother named Feliciano and a boyfriend named Antonio. I make the best pizza outside of Italy.” His golden eyes flicked from person to person, waiting for a reaction. Matthew gave him a tiny smile, a thanks.

“As you all know, I am pretty awesome,” Gilbert started, flashing the Group a crazy grin. He talked, then Denmark, then Francis, then even Lukas. Tino smiled and told everyone about his husband, Berwald, and son Peter. Finally, only Yao was left.

He took a deep breath. “I love to cook,” he said. “I do tai chi and paint. My favorite thing in the world is Hello Kitty. But I’m not the only one people only see the damaged parts of. Can I...Can I speak for Ivan?” Yao asked Tino, who nodded. “Ivan always wears a pink scarf that his sister made for him. He likes knitting, and could probably live off of vodka. His dream is to one day live somewhere warm near a field of sunflowers.”

And he hurts people. Lukas thought. And you still love him. How do you do that? He glanced at Denmark across the circle. How do you love someone like me? 

There was silence again, that second silence. The one that wasn’t awkward, just everyone in their own worlds and yet all together in their little circle of chairs.

“Meeting adjourned,” Tino finally said, and the Group stood and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave kudos if you enjoyed this.


	5. Meeting 4

“Bonjour, mes chers! Comment ça va?” Francis said, smiling. Gilbert and Denmark exchanged a look. This was most unusual. “The flowers are starting to come up! Aren’t they beautiful, Mathieu?” Matthew nodded, half-smiling. Francis’s energy was contagious, and soon everyone except Lovino was in a good mood.

“Welcome, everyone! Who’d like to start?” Tino said, beaming.

“Ooooh, me! I got a job at Target! It’s awesome!” Gilbert announced. 

“Hey, that was only because of me. I got a job first, and then recommended him to the manager,” Denmark added, poking his friend in the side. “Are you proud of me, Lukas?”

“Maybe I won’t kill you after all,” he muttered. It had been a bad day for him. He might have to go to the bathroom to check if the bandages had bled through before meeting was over. He knew he should stop, but he deserved it, didn’t he? And he had to. He knew when he didn’t hurt himself, he would find someone else to destroy.

“Hey, that’s the equivalent of a hug and flowers from Lukas,” Gilbert joked. Everyone laughed except for Lovino and Lukas.

“I have good news too,” Yao said, speaking up. His black eye had almost healed, and his stutter was completely gone. “Ivan is doing much better. He’ll probably be able to come home in a month or so.”

“Congratulations!” Matthew said. 

No one saw Lovino. He was sitting there, phone away, waiting for someone to ask if he had good news or if he thought the flowers were pretty. Not even Antonio seemed to love him anymore. They only talked when they had to, they never kissed anymore...Maybe it had all been an act, to gain Lovino’s trust or make him feel better. Maybe nobody loved him. Who was he kidding? Of course no one loved him. He was just a stupid...

“Lovino?” Tino said. Lovino snapped back to attention, just barely able to drag himself back out of his hate. “How are you today?”

Don’t tell him. Don’t tell him anything. They’ll just ask more questions and you’ll have to talk more and MAYBE I WANT TO TALK! Lovino yelled in his head. Maybe I want to tell someone and have them listen, even if they only pretend to care because fake love is better than hate, right? At least for now?

“Lovino? Can you hear me? You spaced out again. How are you doing?” Tino said. His face was so open and happy and maybe, just maybe, he would listen...

“I’m doing terribly.” Lovino said abruptly. If he was going to be honest, he might as well tell everything. “I hate talking to people because I always feel like they’re seeing everything wrong with me. I guess I’m always seeing what’s wrong with me. I am never as good as my little brother. I’m never fucking good enough. That’s why I tried to kill myself. And failed, because that’s how shitty I am at doing anything and everything.” 

“I don’t hate you, Lovino.” Tino said quietly. “Look at me. Am I lying to you?” 

Lovino looked. He wasn’t lying. None of them were. They weren’t pitying him or hating him or wishing he would die. They got it, because they’d probably all felt the same way at some point. The hate was just him. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, looking down so they wouldn’t see his blush. No one said anything. They didn’t have to. They were all messed up in one way or another. They understood.

The meeting ended pretty quickly after that. Lovino waited in the hallway as the others left one by one, until it was just him and Tino, putting the chairs back. Finally, Lovino called Feliciano.

“Feli? Toni’s late picking me up. Have you heard from him?”

“Ve~ No. Wait there and I’ll call him, si?”

“Si. Grazie.”

“Prego, Lovi. See you soon!”

Lovino ended the call and sat heavily in the lobby. Tino stayed to keep him company, and it was getting a bit awkward. Finally, his phone rang.

“Feli?”

“Ciao, Lovi. He didn’t answer, but I can pick you up. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?”

“Okay. See you.”

Something was wrong. Lovino was sure of it. The room suddenly felt cold. Where was Antonio? 

When Feliciano showed up, he and Lovino drove as fast as possible to Antonio’s house. Lovino’s feeling only got stronger. Something was definitely very wrong.

Feliciano knocked gently on Antonio’s apartment door. There was no answer. Lovino pounded harder. There was still no answer. He fished his key out of his pocket and pushed the door open slowly, revealing all of the lights on, but no Antonio. There was no sign of a fight, nothing was missing. Then he found it, sitting innocently on the coffee table.

Dear Lovino,  
By the time you read this, I will be long dead. I want you to know that-

Lovino didn’t bother to read the rest. He knew what it said, he’d written the same words himself right before his own attempt. He ran to the bathroom, shouting words he couldn’t hear. Antonio was lying on the bathroom floor, there was blood, someone was screaming, everything was terribly, horribly, irreparably wrong. 

Then everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Hopefully I'll get my act together and the next chapter will be on time.


	6. Meeting 5

The car pulled up slowly. Lovino cut the engine, but neither of them got out.

“You okay, Toni?” Lovino asked. All he got in response was a sigh. Antonio stared out the window. He had barely spoken since the attempt, but hadn’t objected to coming to Group. It was all Lovino’s fault. He should have seen how sad his boyfriend was underneath his smiles, should have seen how he was slipping away, should have helped him, should have stopped all of this from happening but he had failed-

Antonio put his hand on Lovino’s and gave him a tiny shadow of his former smile. He could always tell when Lovino was hating himself, could always help. Now it was Lovino’s turn. They walked together into the building.

\--------------------------

“So, guys, we have a new Group member today!” Tino announced, looking as happy as if he’d won the lottery. “This is Antonio, Lovino’s boyfriend.”

Antonio gave a half-hearted wave as everyone introduced themselves. Lovino kept his phone away, watching his boyfriend carefully. He had promised himself that he would never let anything like this happen to the man he loved, ever again.

“Can I speak?” Francis asked, raising his hand. He was smiling. And he’d laughed at one of Gilbert’s jokes as they came in. What was going on? 

“Absolutely. You seem like you’re in a pretty good place today,” Tino said.

“Yes, I am. Last weekend I visited Jeanne’s grave for the first time. I think she wants me to move on. I mean, she was a fabuleux person, always full of life and energy and wanting to change the world. She would hate to see me sad. I think it’s time I realized that I exist outside of her. Yes, I miss her, but there are other things worth living for.” Francis declared, looking thrilled.

“And what brought on this change?” Tino asked.

Francis blushed delicately. “I met someone.” Matthew froze, stunned. As Francis prattled on about love and life, his face just got paler and paler. And just like always, no one noticed him.

“Antonio, would you like to share your story with the Group?” Tino said kindly once Francis was finished. Lovino brushed his hand against Antonio’s knee, a gentle reminder that he was there for him. Antonio took a deep breath, and began.

“I have had depression since I was in Middle School. I hid it from my family because I was afraid it would hurt them. We were poor, and I knew they couldn’t get me the help I needed while still paying attention to my little brother, Henrique. I kept hiding it. There was no easy way to tell them.” Antonio said. “I didn’t tell Lovi until it got so bad I that I…”

Lovino twisted his hands together. He’d heard the story before, but it was awful that he had never known any of it. He should have seen, should have guessed, should have helped...

“And how is your recovery going?” Tino asked.

“Very well. I have anti-depressants, this Group, of course, and Lovi. I think we’ll be okay,” Again, Antonio gave that little shadow of a smile. His whole face had crumbled, and only his green eyes still seemed to really be alive. Lovino hated it. Hated depression, hated Antonio for not saying anything, hated himself for not asking and every other thing he had ever done wrong...

“And you, Lovino?” Tino said. His eyes understood that it was hard not just for the depressed person, but their family and friends. Nothing was ever easy for anyone when it came to these things.

“I’m okay. I’m happy I know now, but I hate that I never realized...” he trailed off. Antonio took his hand. The Group was quiet. 

“It’s not your fault,” Matthew spoke up. “It’s nobody’s fault that these things just happen.” The mood was suddenly grim. Not even Denmark or Gilbert had anything to say. None of them realized that Matthew was talking to himself more than anyone else. If only he could believe his own words.

“Thank you, Matthew. Yao, how’s Ivan doing?” Tino said after a moment.

“Well,” Yao started, sitting back. “He’s still in the hospital, and it seems like he will be for about two more weeks, but then he’ll be moving back into our apartment. I visit him every day.”

“So he’ll definitely be there this time next week?” he asked slyly. 

“Yeah, why?” Yao said, suspicious.

“Just wondering. Time’s up, guys. It was nice to meet you, Antonio, and I’ll see you all next week!” Tino said, standing. When Yao’s back was turned, he mouthed to the rest, “Stay! Stay here!” and put his finger to his lips. Confused, everyone put off leaving until Yao was out the door.

“Alright, everyone. We have a top secret mission I need your help with,” Tino said, eyes shining with excitement. The Group leaned in, excited for whatever was planned. “First, you’ll need to get here at least ten minutes early for our next meeting...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for all of the kudos! You guys make my day.


	7. Meeting 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is about as fluffy as this fic will ever get, so savor it before everything falls apart again.

Yao walked quickly towards the room where Group was held. He was a little late, but why were the lights off? He opened the door slowly, peeking in, and the lights flew on.

“SURPRISE!” the group yelled, jumping out from under tables and behind other furniture. Every person was holding a sunflower. “We’re going to visit Ivan!” Gilbert announced, grinning as everyone gathered around Yao. 

“Is that okay with you?” Tino asked.

Yao blushed. “Of course! I...Thank you. This is amazing. Thank you so much.” 

“What are we waiting for?” Denmark said, even more excited than usual. “Let’s go!” In two packed cars, the entire Group, waving their sunflowers, drove to the hospital.

Lovino kept looking worriedly at Antonio. This was the first time since the attempt that they’d gone anywhere but group, and he remembered how much hospitals had freaked him out after his own attempt. He seemed fine, although there was no way to tell if that was what he was really feeling, not if he could hide depression for a decade.

“Ivan!” Yao cried, throwing open the door to his boyfriend’s room. Ivan was sitting up in bed, wearing a hospital gown with his scarf and smiling. His smile only grew when he saw the sunflowers, which Tino collected to put in a vase next to the bed. There weren’t nearly enough chairs, so a nurse pulled in a few from the waiting room down the hall. Once everyone was seated, they joked and laughed like old friends.

All except for Lovino and Antonio. Lovino was just watching Ivan, trying to imagine this man hurting Yao. It was surprisingly hard. He knew that mental illness changed people, but that had to be a pretty drastic transformation. They seemed so happy together. They didn’t look away from each other for more than a moment, and when they were looking at each other, it was always with a smile. It was easy to believe that they were strong enough to have had never had any ‘struggles,’ as Tino liked to call them. But it was even easier to believe that they were stronger: strong enough to have struggles and push through them and still be completely and irrevocably in love.

Lovino turned to look at Antonio, whose eyes were already on him. Seeing Yao and Ivan together reminded him of when he and Antonio were first in love. When was the last time they had kissed?

“Do you want t-” Antonio started.

“Yes,” Lovino said before he’d finished. They excused themselves and walked to the parking lot, away from the others in the Group. 

“Te amo, Lovi,” Antonio whispered in his boyfriend’s ear. Lovino didn’t respond, just kissed him for real, for the first time in months. It felt good to finally be in love again.

Lukas wasn’t paying much attention to the Group either. Hospitals scared him. He hated to think that that kid, only in ninth grade, had died in a place like this, all because of him. He hated to think that he might have to come someplace like this if anyone found out what he was hiding. Summer was coming. People would start to ask questions about his long sleeves again. It would be okay, though. He had practice. He knew how to hide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments/kudos.


	8. Meeting 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is where Lukas's story starts to pick up and he properly talks to Denmark for the first time. For any Missy Higgins fans out there, parts of this fic were inspired by her song Katie.

“Can I start?” Matthew said. He hadn’t spoken since Francis’s announcement that he’d met someone, and Tino had been starting to worry. “Um, I know that you all know that one of the hardest things in the world for me is being heard. I...I really liked someone once, and then one day they were gone, just like you and Jeanne, Francis. When I stopped talking after that, no one seemed to notice. Now I’ve moved in with my half brother Alfred, and I’m hoping that I can keep talking. So, um...Thanks, guys. For listening.”

There was a brief silence, and then Francis moved closer to give Matthew a hug. There was scattered applause and laughter. They even drew a real smile from Antonio, who was slowly returning to his former self.

“Gilbert and Denmark, we haven’t heard much from you lately,” Tino said. “What’s up?”

Denmark shrugged. “There’s not much to say. We broke laws because it was fun, but a little too much fun got us in jail. Now we’re out, and we’ve even got jobs. Life’s pretty good.”

Lukas sat perfectly still, listening. It was a bad, bad day. Everyone was pissing him off, and he knew he couldn’t last much longer. He already had a good batch of cuts unhealed, but if he was going to make it through the day without making good on his promises to murder everyone, he’d need to cut again... 

“Is anything ever that simple?” Lovino asked, speaking for the first time in a long time.

“Sometimes everything’s that simple,” Gilbert said. 

“No, it’s not,” Lukas said. “Don’t you get it? You might be okay now but soon everything will fall apart because that’s the way the world works. Beauty is temporary. Love hurts. Everything hurts, and you’re all talking like you can just forget that. It doesn’t work that way, don’t you see? There is no. Fucking. Escape.” 

Lukas got up and ran from the room. A stunned silence followed.

“I’ll go,” Denmark said, getting to his feet.

“But-” Gilbert started to protest, also rising from his chair.

“Let him,” Tino advised, and Gilbert sat back down. Denmark quietly shut the door behind him.

“Lukas!” Denmark ran after his friend, who had made it to the community center door. He turned, registered that he was being followed, and ran even faster. Denmark sped up too, determined not to let him get away. 

They ran out of the parking lot and down two city blocks before Denmark caught up and grabbed Lukas’s forearm. Lukas cried out, grabbing his arm and stumbling. The chase forgotten, he pushed up his sleeve, revealing deep angry cuts up and down his wrists. Once he was sure his wounds were okay, Lukas sat down heavily at a bus stop. Denmark followed in silence.

“Lukas-”

“Fuck off, bastard.” Lukas said, with much less venom than usual. “I’ll kill you.” You don’t understand, he thought. I might actually kill you if you don’t leave. I’m dangerous. Don’t get too close. Don’t ever get too close to anyone.

“You’ll kill yourself, you mean. If you keep this up, you are going to die.” Denmark said, serious for once.

“I don’t want to die.” Lukas muttered. “That kid I beat up? He died. I never told the group, I never told anyone. It terrified me. I don’t want to be like him, I don’t want to die.”

A bus came and went.

“I have to, Denmark. Don’t you understand? I have to hurt someone like everyone else has hurt me, and if I can’t beat people up or kill them like I always say I will, I have to hurt myself. It’s the only way.” Lukas insisted. Maybe if he told Denmark, he would know to stay away. Maybe he wouldn’t have to get hurt when Lukas spiralled out of control.

Denmark reached out, hesitant, and rested his hand on Lukas’s damaged wrist. He winced at the pressure, but didn’t move away.

A second bus went by. It started to rain lightly. 

“I will find you a way. I promise, Lukas. I will find a way.” Denmark finally said. Lukas put his healthy hand on top of Denmark’s. They didn’t make eye contact, but they knew that something had changed. Maybe there was a way. Not definitely, just maybe. They could at least try.


	9. Meeting 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be a taste of GerIta in this chapter, which I've been excited about for a long time. Enjoy!  
> New human names:  
> Emma - Belgium  
> Feliks - Poland

“Bonjour, Mathieu! You look coquet today, mon cher.” Francis said, smiling broadly as he took his seat. Everyone but Yao had arrived, and Tino was getting ready to start the meeting.

“Merci, Francis,” Matthew replied. Those two were getting to be very good friends, Lovino noticed. 

No one asked about what had happened after the last meeting. That was between Denmark and Lukas. Lukas was very confused about what had happened. All he knew for sure was that a) he hadn’t killed Denmark and b) he hadn’t cut again after the last meeting. He had been certain one or the other would have to happen.

“Well, you’re certainly in a good mood, Francis,” Tino said. “Lovino, can we hear from you first?”

“Um…okay,” Lovino said. “I’ve been doing pretty good. I don’t...hate myself anymore. That much. I mean, I get mad and I yell, but I don’t really…mean it, I guess? It doesn’t hurt as much, for sure.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Why do you think things started to get bad for you?” Tino pushed. Lovino was talking, a rare occurrence, and he wasn’t going to miss this opportunity.

Lovino pursed his lips and thought before answering. “Feliciano. My little brother. I always thought he was better than me, that everyone liked him better than me, and that started to go to my head. It got out of hand.”

“It was close to the same thing for me. I grew up in a poor family, and I always took care of Henrique before myself. An awful lot of us have little brothers, right? Lukas has Emil and Gilbert has Ludwig.” Antonio said. Tino smiled to see him participating.

“Now, about Emil-” Tino started, but stopped when the door opened from behind him. Lukas was relieved. He didn’t want to talk about Emil. It scared him to be living in the same house as someone he could hurt, and the constant worry that Emil, sweet little Emil would get involved in the sides to Lukas that shouldn’t exist.

He tried to stop thinking by concentrating on what was happening. Yao came in quietly, smiling wider than they had ever seen before. Then they saw why he was so happy: Ivan walked into the room right behind him. “Welcome, Yao and Ivan! Pull up chairs.”

Ivan was terrified. He didn’t show it, but behind his smile was only anxiety. Why were they all acting glad to see him? Didn’t they know what he’d done? They were almost as bad as Yao, who shushed him with kisses when he tried to apologize for everything he’d done. How could they just forget what a horrible person he was?

“Let’s start with you, Ivan. Is there anything you would like to say?” Tino asked as soon as they were seated. The faces were all friendly. It seemed, impossibly, like everyone wanted to listen to him.

“I’m a lot better between therapy, some helpful medication, and Yao, of course. I think I really am able to speak now. I started having episodes when I was 23, right after Yao and I moved in together. I didn’t know what was real. It’s been a rough year, because I didn’t know what to do about them. Neither of us did, so we just kept pushing it away and hoping things would get better without us doing anything. It was stupid, and look what it cost us.” Ivan said, starting slowly but gaining confidence. Without his noticing, Yao had taken his huge hands in his tiny ones.

“Well, I am so thankful that you two have figured it out. Ivan, are you going home now?” Tino said. 

“Yes, I moved back in yesterday,” Ivan said, smiling for real this time.

“Congratulations! I would love to hear more, but it is time to go again. I should make Group longer...” he muttered. “Please come back next time, Ivan. See you all soon!”

Lovino and Antonio walked out into the hallway together, not needing to speak. Feliciano was supposed to pick them up, but he was nowhere in sight. After a moment, Lovino checked around a corner in the hall to see if Feli had gotten distracted and wandered away. There, just out of sight from the main hall, Feliciano was passionately kissing Gilbert’s little brother, Ludwig.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LITTLE BROTHER?!?” Lovino yelled, running towards them. Feliciano broke away from Ludwig, shocked.

“Lovi, don’t, it’s not his fault! There’s nothing wrong with - Lovino, stop! Stop!” Feliciano rambled as Lovino pushed him out of the way and pinned Ludwig to the wall, elbow pressing down on his windpipe.

“DON’T TOUCH HIM! DON’T EVER COME NEAR HIM AGAIN, YOU SON OF A-”

“LOVINO!” Antonio ripped his boyfriend away from Ludwig, who gasped for air and doubled over, Feliciano’s hand at his back.

“Ludwig, are you okay? He didn’t mean-”

“If he so much as fucking looks at my fratello again, I swear I will cut off his-”

“Lovino, calm down. Calm down. Lovino, listen to me. Stop. Stop.” Antonio said, and finally his green eyes managed to pull Lovino back to reality. “Feli, get Ludwig out of here.” Feliciano gulped and did as he was told.

“Lovino, he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Feliciano said he liked him, right? They’re together,” Antonio tried to reason.

“Exactly! They’re together! Feliciano’s not mature enough! He doesn’t know anything, he’s too innocent and trusting. It would be so easy for anyone to take advantage-”

“Oh, so I’m a clueless baby?” Feliciano demanded, returning just in time to hear Lovino’s rant. “I’m not stupid! I can take care of myself!”

“You’re my little brother-”

“I’m 20 years old! I live by myself! I’m going to college! I have a job! And I have never, ever had a boyfriend because you have always, always come and ruined everything. Yes, I am your little brother, but with the way you’ve been acting, I don’t know if I want to be that anymore.” Feliciano yelled, and then burst into tears. Lovino was stunned into silence. The younger brother started to leave, but Lovino grabbed his shoulder. He had to explain himself, had to make Feliciano understand-

“Fuck off,” Feliciano spat, and ran out the Community Center’s front door. Alone except for Antonio, Lovino found his voice again.

“What the fu-”

“Lovino, he’s right,” Antonio interrupted.

“What?”

“Maybe you should give Ludwig a chance, let Feliciano work out love for himself. You were fifteen when you dated Emma,” Antonio pointed out.

“Emma doesn’t count! That was before I figured out that I was gay,” Lovino protested.

“And Feliks?”

“That...well, that...”

“Let him find his own way,” Antonio said. Lovino pulled back, angry.

“Oh, so it’s my fault? I’m a terrible brother? A terrible person? I’m too controlling and overprotective and paranoid and I always assume the worst?” Lovino’s eyes filled with tears. “I knew it. I knew neither of you could ever really love me.”

“Lovino!” Antonio called, but his boyfriend was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra chapter will be posted on Sunday. Thank you for reading! Comments/kudos are always appreciated.


	10. Where I Stood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the saddest chapters that there will be, so of course it was the most fun to write.  
> All of the lyrics in this chapter belong to Missy Higgins, not me. They're from one of my favorite of her songs, "Where I Stood."  
> To all of you RoChu fans…sorry.

The day after Group, Yao woke up late. Ivan’s side of the bed was empty. He yawned, stretched, and padded downstairs in slippers. On the kitchen table was a note. It began:

 

_ Dearest, dearest Yao, _

 

Yao smiled. Ivan was so sweet. Then he kept reading. And read it again. "Ivan?” he yelled, running from room to room.  _ "Ivan!" _ But there was no one to hear him in the empty house.

 

_ Dearest, dearest Yao, _

_ I loved going to Group with you. All of the people there were so kind, kinder than I deserve. They are good people. I am not. They can take care of you. I cannot. There is no guarantee that I will ever be able to stop hurting you, so I am leaving before I can do any more damage. Now maybe you can get over the trauma, and find someone who can love you without hurting you. Please trust me that this will make everything easier. Trust me, and forget me. _

_ Love you forever, _

_ Ivan _

_ P.S. I’m sorry. I never got to properly say how sorry I am. For everything. _

 

\---------------------------

 

Miles away, Ivan turned on the radio, bored. The sun was up, so Yao probably was too. Maybe he’d even read the letter. Ivan had been driving for hours and still didn’t want to stop. He wasn’t far enough from everything he was trying to leave behind. He feared he might never get far enough.

_ “I don't know what I've done _

_ Or if I like what I've begun...” _

Ivan sighed, pulling the picture from his pocket. Yao’s smiling face almost made him want to go back. Ivan looked at the picture one last time and rolled down the car window. He kept driving, picture lying by the side of the road.

_ “But something told me to run _

_ And honey, you know me, it's all or none...” _

He was doing it for Yao, he told himself. So that he could crawl out of Ivan’s shadow and make a new life for himself. He could move on. He could forget Ivan. But even without the picture, Ivan knew that he would never forget Yao.

_ “There were sounds in my head _

_ Little voices whispering _

_ That I should go and this should end _

_ Oh, and I found myself listening.” _

Because he couldn’t stay with Yao. Not when he had hurt him so much. He thought Ivan didn’t see the scars, but he did. They were everywhere, and it hurt to know he had caused such pain. What was to stop him from doing more? Could the meds and therapy hold him back? The bottom line was that Ivan couldn’t trust himself. Not anymore. Maybe never again. The chorus was much louder, so much that he turned the volume down. Then he turned it back up. He wanted to lose himself in this.

_ “See, I thought love was black and white _

_ That it was wrong or it was right _

_ But you aren't leaving without a fight _

_ And I think I am just as torn inside.” _

He couldn’t deny it. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t love Yao more than anything, and just want to go home to him. It took all of his energy not to turn the car around and drive straight to their little apartment. But he stopped himself. This was what he had to do. This was the right thing to do. This would help Yao, to make up for every time Ivan had hurt him.

_ “'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you _

_ All I know is that I should _

_ And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you _

_ All I know is that I should.” _

Ivan sat back and let the music wash over him. It’s for the best, he thought again. Seeing Yao with the other Group members, Ivan knew he’d be okay. They would care for him. It made him ridiculously jealous to think of Yao getting support from someone else, falling in love with someone else...

_ “‘Cause he will love you more than I could _

_ He who dares to stand where I stood.” _

Ivan pulled over to the side of the road and turned off the radio. He couldn’t stand that stupid song. In the silence, there was nothing to stop him from crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Next chapter there will be more info about Lovino and Feliciano's fight.


	11. Meeting 9

As the group members walked in, Yao was already breaking down. Tino had his arm around him and a blank look on his face. No one spoke. Lovino was the last one in. He sat quietly next to Francis, across the circle from his usual spot between Gilbert and Antonio. He hadn’t spoken to his boyfriend since the last meeting, and wouldn’t meet their eyes.

“Friday morning, Ivan disappeared. He left a note explaining how he didn’t believe he could ever take care of Yao or stop himself from hurting him. We’ve made phone calls and searched for him, but...” Tino trailed off. The group accepted the news in silence.

“What if we’d been more welcoming? What if we’d extended the last meeting so we could talk to him more? What if we-” Gilbert started, looking for something, anything to blame.

“There was nothing we could do. There never is.” Lukas said. He couldn’t quite believe the pessimistic words, not when things had almost been getting better. Denmark put his hand on Lukas’s wrist, and he didn’t flinch away. Without looking at Denmark, Lukas lifted up his sleeve an inch to show that his cuts were healing and there were no new ones. Denmark smiled to himself. Some things, even as the rest of the world fell apart, were getting better.

“Can I...?” Yao said, pointing to the door.

“Of course,” Tino answered. Yao left quickly, his chair scraping back when he stood. They could hear him crying from down the hall. “Antonio, Gilbert, and especially Lovino, what would you like to tell me about what happened yesterday?”

Lovino froze. “Nothing happened yesterday.”

“Uh-huh,” Tino said sarcastically, leaning back in his seat.

“Just that his little brother tried to-”

“Ludwig didn’t do anything! You went nuts and attacked him! He refused to come pick me up today!” Gilbert shot back.

“But he-” Lovino started.

“Stop. Just stop, both of you. Lovino, why do you have a problem with Ludwig dating Feliciano?” Tino asked.

“He’ll only hurt him. Feli’s not ready for a relationship and I don’t want him to get hurt and-” Lovino said.

“Not everyone is evil,” Antonio interrupted.

“And not everyone who hurts people is evil,” said Denmark, and most of the group assumed he was talking about Ivan.

“I sure am,” Lukas said, shrugging. He gave Denmark the tiniest of smiles, showing that he knew that his new friend had meant his comment about him.

“No relationship is ever that simple,” Lovino said. 

“Sometimes every relationship is. Well, not in this room, but still. Happy endings exist somewhere out there, and I promise, Ludwig is a good guy. You can trust him.” Gilbert persuaded. Lovino looked at him, then at Antonio, then back to Gilbert, and shook his head. 

“How do I know that you’re telling the truth?” he demanded.

“Because I have a little brother who I care about, just like you,” Gilbert said. “And he met someone who made him happy. Since you scared him off he’s been moping around the house like there’s nothing left for him, and I hate it. I hate seeing him that way. Don’t you understand that?”

Lovino tightened his lips and nodded. “Fine.” He wouldn’t apologize but for Lovino, that came pretty damn close.

“I think that’s a good way to end the meeting.” Tino said. “See you all next time!” He stood and left even before the others had, following the sound of muted sobs to where Yao was hiding in the bathroom.

In the hallway, Antonio and Lovino stared at each other, standing a few feet apart. After a tense moment, Lovino ducked his head and looked at the floor, his way of admitting defeat.

“Let’s go home,” Antonio said, draping an arm over Lovino’s shoulders. “Feliciano will be so happy to see you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be an extra chapter on Sunday, and I know I said that things were going to start getting better now instead of worse, but it might be even more feels-wrenching than the last one.  
> As always, thank you for reading and please leave kudos!


	12. Lukas and Denmark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short, very scary chapter featuring Denmark and Lukas. Trigger warning for self harm.

“No!”

“Lukas, listen to me. You have to come back, you have to calm down, you have to...” Denmark tried to reason with him, holding out his hands.

“No! I’m telling you, that is it. I need to! I need it. Nothing else helps, Denmark. Nothing. There isn’t another way.” Lukas tore away and ran into the bathroom, locking himself in. Denmark pounded on the door, but couldn’t get through. He couldn’t. He couldn’t get through, no matter what, because if he did, Lukas didn’t think he could stop himself from...

“You can stop, Lukas. You are strong enough, I know it. Please, for Emil! He needs his brother!” Denmark cried, desperate. 

“And I can’t be a brother without the pain. You don’t understand, Denmark. It makes everything so much easier...” And what kind of brother will I be if I kill him? Lukas rummaged through the bathroom cabinet.

“Then do it for me, Lukas, for me! I love you!” Denmark sank down to the carpet on his side of the door.

“Go,” Lukas whispered. “There isn’t another way. Just go.” Get as far away as fast as you can because I will only hurt you...He squeezed his eyes shut against the tears, the door and everything they hadn’t said dividing them, and set the blade against his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	13. Meeting 10

“I...I’m back.” Ivan said. He looked pretty out of place, towering over his tiny chair. How he looked was nothing compared to how he felt: as though everything that could possibly be wrong was.

“And we’re glad to have you,” Tino said, smiling. “What convinced you to turn around?”

Ivan blushed. “This stupid song kept coming on the radio. It reminded me of all of you, and I just...I didn’t want to let go. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, and I still don’t know if it was the right one.”

Yao stiffened. He always did when Ivan mentioned leaving, both the first time and his new plans. But he couldn’t let himself stay, could he? The same issues were still there. He couldn’t trust himself. No one should trust him, but for some reason they all seemed to.

“It’s love, Ivan.” Matthew said. They all turned, surprised that he had spoken. Matthew himself looked a little shocked, too, like he hadn’t planned on talking. “I...When I was in love before, I let it go. I lost it before it was even real and this...” he gestured between Yao and Ivan. “This is real. And you’re throwing it away.”

Francis nodded. “It was the same with me and Jeanne. If there’s one thing that losing her taught me, it’s that you need to do what will make you happy. What happens if one of you passes away tomorrow?” His eyes filled with tears. “You will have missed your only chance.” Matthew and Francis made eye contact and nodded. Matthew didn’t need to speak to tell Francis that they had both lost people. They both knew what it felt like. And that connection meant the world to him.

Ivan looked at Yao, then pointedly looked away. It was those blasted eyes. They kept making him want to stay. 

“Ivan, listen to me. Not everyone who hurts people is evil.” Denmark said, shooting a glance at Yao, then at Lukas. “You don’t just have a chance at love, you have a chance at life. You’ve got therapy, medications, Yao, and the Group. Not just for him, but for all of us. There is another way: stay.” Lukas exhaled angrily. He knew who Denmark was really talking to, but refused to answer. I will only hurt you.

Ivan stared at him. “Okay.” he said, surprising everyone, including himself. “It’ll be okay.” Yao hugged him, and Lukas looked at Denmark. Will it? he asked in his head, screaming silently as loud as he could. Denmark didn’t answer, didn’t hear. No one heard.

“Well, in all this talk of staying, I’m afraid I have some bad news.” Tino said, sighing. “I’m moving to Sweden.”

“What?” Antonio gasped.

“My husband is from there originally, and he found a job opportunity. Because of all the work it takes to move across the world, I’m not going to be able to continue the group. Next meeting is going to have to be the last one.”

They waited for him to smile and say “Just kidding!” It didn’t come. The entire group left in worse spirits than when they had arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	14. Pot Luck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Human Names:  
> Austria - Roderich  
> America - Alfred  
> England - Arthur  
> Iceland - Emil

Tino usually got to Support Group almost half an hour early to set up chairs and read. He loved the quiet, which he hardly ever found with a nine-year-old in the house. Today, though, when he opened the door to the room where group was held, he was greeted with an explosion of lights, noise, and smiling people. “SURPRISE!” Not only all of group was there, but their friends and family members. Even Berwald and Peter had been invited!

“Thank you guys so much,” he said, and was led to the table by pretty much every single person in the room. There was food from Casa Vargas, Lovino and Feliciano’s restaurant, alongside samples of French, German, Spanish, Danish, Norwegian, Chinese, Russian, American, and English cuisine, and a full plate of pancakes. As he started to fill up his plate, a blond man in a leather bomber jacket tapped him on the shoulder.

“Don’t touch the scones,” he stage-whispered so loudly everyone in the room could hear, including a man with green eyes and frighteningly bushy eyebrows.

“You bloody wanker! None of you have any appreciation for my glorious cooking!” he yelled, chasing the first man in circles around the room.

“Sorry about that. My brother, Alfred, and his boyfriend Arthur. They’re a bit…eccentric.” Matthew said quietly.

“Oui, mes amis,” Francis muttered, loading up his plate with his own food and not touching anything else. “What an oaf.”

“He’s my English teacher,” Emil whispered. “This is so awkward. Don’t let him see me.” Plate loaded with food, he tiptoed away.

Meanwhile, Arthur and Alfred had gotten a little too close to where Lovino, Lukas, and Denmark were sitting. Alfred tripped and went flying, knocking Lovino’s pizza out of his hands and onto Lukas’s lap. 

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, YOU F-” Lovino yelled, leaping to his feet. Antonio and Matthew rushed over, alerted by the noise, and tried to calm him down.  
“I will kill you,” Lukas said quietly, looking right at Alfred. “One night you will go to bed and not wake up the next day. I will kill you.” He didn’t mean it. Today it didn’t hurt to talk about death. Today that kid’s face wasn’t everywhere. Today maybe he really wouldn’t hurt anybody, himself included.

“That’s enough, Lukas,” Denmark said. “I’m sorry about all of this.” He leaned down to help Alfred up, but he scrambled away on all fours, not taking his eyes off of Lukas. Of course, the fact that it was a good day had nothing at all, whatsoever, to do with the fact that Lukas had run into Denmark on the way to Group. Nothing to do with the fact that he’d carefully put a rubber band around his wrist, telling him to snap it when he felt like cutting, nothing to do with the fact that his fingertips were warm and his smile was perfect and-

“Calm down, Lovino. Why don’t you come meet Peter?” Feliciano said, leading the nine-year-old over to his brother. He plopped Peter down in front of Lovino without any other warning.

“Fuck off, kid,” he said.

“What’s fuck?” Peter asked, smiling innocently at Lovino.

“Well, it’s-”

“That’s enough time with Lovino, I think,” Feliciano said and pulled Peter away. 

“Honestly, the number of complete imbeciles in the room is highly disturbing.” a man with dark hair and a beauty mark said, sitting down next to Antonio. His plate was full, but he only picked at it delicately.

“Who are you here with?” Antonio asked, trying to make conversation.

“Roddy’s with me! He’s awesome! Well, not as awesome as me, but pretty close, actually.” Gilbert said, throwing his arms around ‘Roddy’, who shoved him off.

“Please remove your dirty mitts and refrain from calling me your unintelligent nicknames. I have absolutely no connection to you, and my name is Roderich.” he said.

“Nice to meet you,” Antonio said. It seemed like the safest thing to say. The food (except for the scones) disappeared quickly, and once Alfred and Arthur stopped running around, most of the people gathered in a circle, just like a normal meeting.

Tino sat back, Peter half-asleep in his lap. This was why he had created the Group: to bring people who needed it together. For the most part, he’d succeeded. He could tell, looking around the room, that the group would survive without him.

“Hey guys, I’ve got to run. I know this is an anonymous group but...could I have your numbers?” Ivan said, biting his lip. He had often felt an outsider in the Group and had been certain that at least a few people would decline, but everyone reached for napkins, paper, and pens.

“Here, everyone write your numbers on this paper for me. If everyone starts a paper and we just pass them around...” Antonio said, pulling a notepad from his pocket. After a few confusing moments of passing and writing, everyone held their own little piece of the Group, including Tino’s new address and phone number in Sweden.

“Why not just continue group normally?” Tino suggested. “You can’t meet here anymore, but you could probably work something out.”

“Casa Vargas,” Lovino said immediately. “Same time as usual. You know where it is, right?”

Nothing could stop them from getting there, meeting after meeting. The staff of Casa Vargas got used to the band of sometimes rowdy, sometimes subdued men every week. Even Francis started to like Italian food, and at the end of every other meeting, they made a call to a certain house in Sweden. The weeks stretched into months stretched into years...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this far! This is the last actual meeting, but on Sunday or Thursday or both (I don't really know), I'll post three epilogues featuring Matthew, Francis, Yao, Ivan, Lukas, and Denmark.


	15. Epilogues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided not to post the Matthew/Francis epilogue, but here are the other two. Enjoy!

**Lukas and Denmark**

Lukas was alone. He always  _ felt _ alone, but now he really was. Emil was out with one of his friends and wouldn’t be back for who knows how long. It was probably a good thing. The only thing worse that what had happened with that kid all those years ago was what might happen if Emil was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

The house was quiet and dark. He sat on the couch, staring into space, rhythmically snapping his rubber band, hard. At times like these, all he could see was that kid’s bloody face, all he could feel was the flesh against his fists-

 

At times like these, the rubber bands weren’t enough. The broken razor in the bathroom was calling him.  _ Just a little bit _ , he thought. It had been weeks.  _ Just one cut... _

 

The doorbell rang.

 

Lukas dragged himself to the door and opened it, blinking in the sudden sunlight. “Hello?”

 

“Hi. Um, you left this at Casa Vargas last meeting,” said the person on the porch. Lukas blinked again and could see that the visitor was Denmark, holding out his wallet. “Feli gave it to Ludwig who gave it to Gil who gave it to me to give to you, so...”

 

“Thanks,” Lukas said, taking the wallet. They stood awkwardly in the doorway for a moment. He knew Denmark was seeing the dark house behind him, his rumpled clothes, his sleepy eyes, his swollen wrists. He knew Denmark knew it was a bad day, and if he stayed for much longer...

 

“Should I go...?” Denmark said hesitantly. They hadn’t spoken properly since the last bad day, when Lukas had pushed Denmark away. The bathroom was calling him. His hands were itching to hold the blade again. But Denmark was calling him in the opposite direction.

 

Lukas snapped his rubber band once and made his decision.

 

“Stay.”

 

**Ivan and Yao: 6 months after the pot luck**

Yao smiled at Ivan, who sat across the table from him, dressed impeccably. Casa Vargas wasn’t a particularly fancy restaurant, but Ivan could make any occasion special.

 

“Hi!” The younger Italian brother bounced over to their table. “My name is Feliciano and I’ll be your server tonight, although of course you already knew that, haha. Take a look at your menus and let me know if there’s anything I can-”

 

“Feli! This is my section! You’re supposed to be serving over there,” Lovino said, pointing angrily across the room. Yao shot Ivan an amused look. It was a wonder that the Vargas brothers managed to run a successful restaurant with the amount of arguing they did.

 

“But Lovi,” Feliciano whined. “I want to be here when-”

 

“Shush! It’s supposed to be a fucking surprise,  _ idiota _ !” Lovino hissed, elbowing his brother in the ribs. “Go serve your tables.” Feliciano trudged away, defeated. “Hello, my name is Lovino, and I’ll be your server tonight...”

 

The night passed by in a swirl of pasta and plates. The food was, as always, the best. Yao and Ivan talked and laughed easily. In the year that had passed since Tino moved away, the two had only grown closer. So close, in fact, that Ivan thought it was time. He reached into his pocket...

 

“Hola, mis amigos! Ivan, did he say y-” Antonio said, appearing next to their table. 

 

“Shut up, bastard! He hasn’t asked yet!” Lovino yelled, running up behind his boyfriend. “Go seat Gilbert and Roderich before you ruin everything...” Yao looked at Antonio, who kept glancing at them over his shoulder. Across the restaurant, Feliciano was watching them intently from his poorly concealed position behind a pillar. Ivan was studying the check like it held the meaning of life, avoiding Yao’s eyes.

 

“That’s it. What’s going on?” he asked.

 

Ivan put his head in his hands. “I knew it. I knew they’d ruin it...” He took a deep breath and started into his speech. “Yao, I love you. We have been through a lot of hard times together, and there’s nothing I’d rather do than go through more happy times with you. You taught me how to trust myself again, and you are more beautiful than sunflowers and-”

 

“Say yes, Yao! Please!” Feliciano burst in, eyes shining with delight.

 

“Damn you, Feli, he hasn’t gotten to that part yet!” Lovino said. Yao looked up and realized that almost the entire staff, including several strangers, had gathered soundlessly around their table.

 

“Said yes to what?” he asked uncertainly.

 

Ivan gulped. “Will you marry me?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos and comments. At some point I want to rewrite this story, but for now, goodbye!


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